Monday, January 26, 2004
.sigh.
man i hate this class. i dont even use excel nor do i plan on using it when i graduate for a BA in visual communications. damn them all! so i was chillin today at school. it was aite. played some pool and beat some ass's! my homie ben was like " yo im a pool shark shorty" so i said come on then and i beat him so bad. it was horrible. his boys were there. then i was in the mac lab and i got this IM from my ex.... i really wish he didnt act the way he acted. i know inside hes a better person than he lets people see. but his attitude is disgusting. why hit me up to tell me how much u hate me? does it make you feel better? i mean damn. everytime u hit me up, u make me feel so bad. i start to remember everything all over again. all the times u made me cry. all the females u had on the side. smh @ me sittin here remembering everything about the last couple months of our relationship. yo, for real, you did me so dirty it was ridiculous. im ashamed that u played me the way u did. ugh i really dislike you for hittin me up. please just leave me alone. i dont need you or your bullshit no more. LEAVE ME ALONE! p.s why do i even talk to
kamil why do i even bother..everytime i try to hold somewhat of a conversation u never finish it. i give up. leave me alone too. when i need to talk ur never there. thats that one sided bullshit i was talking about. 1ne
Posted at 07:56 pm by dominiquelee
Sunday, January 25, 2004
.crush.
i am past the infatuation
fascination
with the half tucked
charm
and manifestation
of things that are not really
real
except for the fear
in disguise.
oh how i idealized
those ideal eyes
that could hardly look me
straight in the face,
and the time that went to waste
loving the loveless
lovelessly;
when i thought he and we
could be
more than what
we were really,
all the time we were
less than that
singly.
now i see him
naked, alone
minus the fantasy
that faded to none
he's somewhere far
from where he used to be
but still in the same place
still far from he;
and i watch and i wonder
with extinguished desires
wanting to touch and love
with honest eyes
reality is born
when the cloudiness dies
hoping one day he will
finally fly.
Posted at 04:56 pm by dominiquelee
.priceless.
massmind
collectivity
clones... drones
denial of the Self
as a great being
(i hear applause!?!)
SELFISH---of the SELF
how is that wrong?
when the community is the basis
of 'Lyfe support'
what happens when the community dies?
does the self die also? (hehe)
No... unless that is what you
really believe
why is it better to React
and not to Think?
why is Ignorance the choice
of Sedative?
Human Life has lost its value
the Mind is washed away
in Collectivist bleach
all this foolishness
is the everyday thang...
who wants to transcend...xL?
who has the Courage to rise above Mediocrity?
going once...
going twice...
and we end without a sale...
gRr.........................
____________
dont understimate the value of Life/Self/Mind...
priceless-------
Posted at 04:55 pm by dominiquelee
.love is.
Love is...
a one way street
if at one point
the two happen to meet
they are twice blessed...
Posted at 04:54 pm by dominiquelee
. my philosophy.
When I was growing up I felt like I was alone in this world. I felt as thought I was one of the very few who was suffering from the pains and troubles of life. As I started to relate better with others, I realized that I was not the only one going through issues. Everyone has their struggles. The specific problems may vary from person to person, but it's basically all the same.
Everyone has the capacity to live life to its fullest. By expanding one's self awareness, one can increase that capacity by fully understanding and accepting what exactly we need to deal with in life - responsibility and freedom. In accepting these two things, the confusion of life will be clearer. Life is finite; death is inevitable. This obviously means that we only have a limited time to be able to do the things we need or want to do. Every moment is crucial and should be spent doing the things one values. One has the ultimate power of choosing to act, or not to act, knowing that inaction is also a decision. The ability and power to choose one's own actions means that one has the power to create their own destiny. And, the sense of responsibility of one's own actions also comes with the responsibility for the consequences of those actions, whether they are favorable or not. This whole concept of total responsibility is a very difficult thing to accept for everyone, including me. It is a scary thing to know that one is in full control one one's life. Another thing that must be understood from all this is that we are basically alone. Although we have the capacity and opportunity to relate to others, we are alone in this world. One has the capacity to do anything and be the author of their own lives. Meaning and knowledge will never be given to us. It is up to the individual to seek, discover, learn, and also be aware of the many choices and alternative he has the ability to decide on.
All of this may see great theoretically, but I know that this is the way humans should operate. Life is very painful, but then what? There are many things we do that protect us from the truth about how things really are. Although I have said that one has the freedom to make choices, some may argue that circumstances limit their actions. Although we are not free from conditions, we still have the power to stand against those conditions; there are always other choices and alternatives. If I take a look at the "alcoholic" who says that they can't help it because is it hereditary, I don't buy the story because I know that every time there is a drink in front of him, he always has the options of picking up the glass, or not picking it up. Only he can make that decision, not anyone else, and not anyone he "inherited" the drinking "problem" from. It is unnecessary to keep yourself tortured by past decisions or events because they are done and cannot be changed. However, there is always the capacity and opportunity to make new decisions and change the way you view those past events. In my opinion, guilt should not exist. When I make a decision I know that I am totally responsible for that decision and the consequences. I know the reasons why I choose to make a right decision. In knowing all of this, there should be no need to feel guilt. I have made difficult decisions in serious situations that brought about great anxiety. I have no regrets or guilt over those decisions because I accept the responsibility of the decisions and their consequences. I know the reasons behind those decisions and I know that I am right. Guilt doesn’t usually come from a decision, but instead from not making a decision. The "could’ve should’ve would’ve" part of not making a decision is what makes us feel guilt. It comes from abandoning one's capacity to make decisions or not being concrete and sure bout the reasons behind a decision. I could easily say that I felt foolish or weak for not making a decision at a certain situation, but not feel foolish of weak for making a decision I knew was right, regardless of the outcome of the decision.
As I stated before, man is alone. One is always in constant struggle to find or create one's personal identity. Though one has the ability to connect with others, one has to be able to trust oneself for answers to one's own conflicts. Knowing that one is ultimately alone and accepting that fact is very difficult. Instead of accepting and dealing with it, many chose to lose sight of that and depend on others instead of the self. Eventually they become what others expect them to be and become so involved in others' expectations that they lose sight of who they really are. Some people get so involved in doing that they stop being. In grade school and earlier years of high school I followed the direction and expectations of my parents. I brought them the grades that made them happy and I did the things they wanted me to do. Needless to say, regardless of my accomplishments I was not as ecstatic as they were, and though it seemed as though I should be content with my accomplishments and my parents' satisfaction, I wasn't. It was only until the later years of high school when I started to do things for myself that I felt enjoyment and contentment in what I was doing and accomplishing. One cannot depend on others for living and making decisions to feel better about oneself. One stands alone to make sense of one's own life and then unique meaning it holds for that individual. One must have a solid relationship with oneself before having a solid genuine relationship with another. One must be able to stand alone before standing beside another. Relationships are built out of strength, not weakness. Many look towards others for approval, security, the need to feel important to somebody, or the need for somebody to be important to them. Fulfillment of all these things should be found within oneself. Relationships should not be about deprivation parasitism, but fulfillment and mutual admiration.
All these issues are things that everyone deals with, whether they choose to acknowledge them or not. I am not saying that I am perfect, and always make the correct decision, and follow everything I have written about without flaw or weakness. These are the things that I am struggling with in regards to how I try to live my life. I feel anxiety and frustration over the things in life that I wrestle with. I feel alone in my battles. Life is not easy, but I know I will get through, and I will walk out with my chin up.
Bottom line...
One is alone
Death is inevitable
Life is finite
One has freedom
One has responsibility
One will feel anxiety, frustration, and loneliness
One is unique
One has the capacity to live a fulfilling life
Posted at 04:53 pm by dominiquelee
.me is me and we is me and she.
... all my life. confused. mixed races. unknown faces. bitter-sweet misery. i am me and she is we. what do i mean? let me tell you. theres two of i. the one you all want me to be. the one that is the real unique me. which do i perfer? both. i cant let go of one without the other. i am two in one. non-sympathetic. shes the one you all want me to be. the bad angel. the hearts angle. then theres who i see is me. femme.fatale. shes the good devil. she has that mental level. totally insane. completely in aim. so my point? i tried to be one or the other. my whole life struggling. two find the one i want to be. but she is me. and we are she. see i can find the balance between the two. and i refuse to let it be used. i will be who i want to be. and thats me, her and we. this is non-sympathetic (the bad angel) the one im expected to be....
this is femme.fatale (the good devil) the one that i favor..people dont accept me ...
Posted at 04:13 pm by dominiquelee
.man:child.
Luv Affair
with the mAn:chiLd
and I
MiZ:identify
the right things
in the wrong ones
sometimes...
he is just like I
but not quite me
I see
innocence
struggle
the free spirit
and possibility
to be-
me and he
I push you
and you push me too
and we'll see eachother
at the top...
if I set the terms
will you stay
or fade away...
maybe the latter
because we're not on
the same page
you and
I
MiZ:identify.
when kisses have fear
nothing is earned
at arms distance
nothing is learned
a touch is never enough
i need a connection
that connection
we speak the same language
but these walls are deafening
I give you
what They can't taste--
because
it's Mine.
drink my wiNe--
the chalice...
chaste--
touching
your lips
aLone
I forgot to say
that I wanted more
than just a whore
I see what you are
and could be-
I forgot to say that
I wanted you
to let me in
to let you in...
kNock on my open door
beautiful mAn:chiLd
will come my way again
next time-
never a random breeze
just passing by
you are my breath-
stay
for more than
a sigh
wHy are U here...
:: cLarify
Posted at 04:03 pm by dominiquelee
Friday, January 23, 2004
.idiots.
its so sad..thats your life... smh @ people. i swear people never tend to amaze me. when it seems like no one else can surprise BAM! there it is...surprise surprise... its the haters mostly. every now and then a follower. can we just be leaders and leave the bullshit behind. i hope so. for everyones sake. thanks.
Posted at 05:00 pm by dominiquelee
.something i would like to live by.
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare
to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine your own: if you can dance with the wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the finger and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint others to be true to yourself: if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful,
and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see the beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from Its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
yours and mine, and still stand on the edge
of the lake and shout to the silver
of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live,
or how much money you have. I want to know
if you can get up after the night of grief and
despair, weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are,
or how you came to be here,
I want to know if you will stand in
the center of the fire with me and not
shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or
with whom you have studied. I want to know
what sustains you from the inside when
all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments…
Posted at 11:44 am by dominiquelee
.mind affair.
feelin sexy... its overrated, however thats how u made me feel. last nite. on the phone. stomach tied in knots. why? i dont know. its not suppose to be. but it is what it is. close my eyes. feel your breath on my neck. your hands around my face. our lips touchin and playin with each other. bitin your lower lip as ur deep inside me. my head tilting back gently. my nails grab your waist. jesus christ this has to be wrong. i open my eyes. your voice so becoming. could listen to u for hours. in fact i guess i did. u ask questions. all that i want to answer, but scared. of course. i barely know you. yet it seems like more. could it be? is it? i know you feel it. should we look away? act as if it isnt so. maybe. maybe not. whats a little here and there? maybe alot. maybe not. i close my eyes. my legs on each side of your waist. bending down to run my tongue over your lips, as my lower body moves over yours. my god i can feel u. but your not here. i open my eyes.
Posted at 10:24 am by dominiquelee
